


The Worst Day of Loving Someone (the 5 stages of grief + 1 hopeful day)

by itsreallylaterightnow



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with an Angsty Ending, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Happy Hogan needs a hug, May Parker Needs a Hug, Michelle Jones Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, exploring grief
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:54:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28869615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsreallylaterightnow/pseuds/itsreallylaterightnow
Summary: "The worst of loving someone, is the day that you lose them." Tony Stark never expected to lose Peter Parker. He never dreamed he would outlive the kid. Parents weren't meant to outlive their children, whether blood related or not.orthe 5 stages of grief + 1 hopeful day
Relationships: May Parker/Happy Hogan, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 26
Kudos: 45





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyyy so I'm a day late, but I'm taking after Blondsak and writing a pic for myself for my birthday! SO happy belated b-day to me! I hope you enjoy the beginnings to arguably the saddest fic I've written :) 
> 
> Warnings: If you haven't caught on to it yet... this isn't a happy fic. But anytime I write MCD I try to do so in a healing way. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy and to anyone that knows what I mean... welcome to another #chapter19 - goodluck

_ It lays in my bones.  _

_ The desire that I will be able to make facts into fiction. _

_ The aching need to inspire reality.  _

_ As pointless as a child holding its hands against the crashing waves.  _

_ A dead tree against a hurricance.  _

_ Pointlessly declaring that something written in stone could be anything other _

_ Than the devastating verdict that it is.  _

* * *

There was no way that it could happen. Not to Peter Parker. Tony held the phone to his ear for what felt like hours. He was certain that someone was still speaking over the phone. That Happy was still trying to gain his attention, trying to get Tony to respond to him, but all Tony could do was stare at the paper-covered desk across his lab. 

The desk used to be where Tony piled the copious amounts of artwork Pepper tried to get him to hang throughout the lab. But when Peter had officially began working at Stark Industries, they’d cleared out the desk, and made it the kid’s own. 

It was a simple, metal piece. The stool was still half-way pulled out from where Peter had left it early that day in a rush to go see May and Happy as they made it home from their vacation. Papers were scattered across the top of the desk, and the kid’s make-shift desktop computer was still on. Tony offered to replace the computer about a million times, but Peter insisted it stayed, something about the sentiments of it. 

Tony dropped the phone in his hand, his mind numb as he walked over to the desk. 

The kid had so many pictures hanging on the wall. Most of them consisted of Peter and MJ hanging all over each other, smiles spread wide. Pictures from their many trips. Pictures from their engagement, wedding, and honeymoon. Pictures of Peter and Michelle with their sonogram. There were pictures that Peter had with Ned and May, and of course pictures of Tony and Peter. 

Tony’s eyes rested on the picture they’d taken before the Blip. He had his arm slung over a young Peter’s shoulder, peace sign high above the kid’s head. Peter was holding an internship plaque upside down. 

They’d only taken the photo to get some kid’s at Peter’s school off his back at the internship. 

The picture held hard memories for Tony. Memories that flashed before his eyes. 

He remembers weeping over the photograph as he mourned for the kid. He remembers trying to come to terms with the fact that he was the only one mourning for Peter Parker. He hated himself for only having one picture with the kid, for not spending enough time with him. 

He remembers seeing the photo, wiping it off, only to realize that if he had the ability to save Peter Parker, he would give anything to do it. 

Tony remembers hearing Peter’s voice for the first time in five years. Gripping the kid to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he realized that the spider-boy had managed to worm his way right into Tony’s heart. 

Tony stares at the photograph now, before reaching forward and plucking it off the wall. Happy’s words replaying in his head. 

_ Tones… there was an accident. Pete-Pete was gone before the ambulance arrived on the scene. Rhodes is on his way to get you.  _

But that wasn’t possible. It just simply was an impossible statement. 

Peter Parker was Spider-Man. He lived with his wife in a small apartment. They were preparing to have a baby. He worked five days a week, exploring whatever his mind led him to. He was one of the greatest brains of their time. A genius in the purest form of the word. His entire life was centered around helping people. He was innately good. Goodness in its purest form. Someone so filled with love that he exuded it to those around him. 

Monday would come and Peter would roll into the lab, Tony’s coffe in his hand and an extra jacket tucked into the nook of his arm. Tony would thank him for the coffee, then they would work alongside one another for hours and hours. Silence would fill the air between them, but it wasn’t heavy. They could just  _ be.  _

Tony could hear the glass doors sliding open, and then Rhodey’s warm hand was laying across his shoulder.

“Tones, we-we need to get to the hospital, man.” Rhodey’s voice broke as he tried to speak, but Tony just continued to stare at the photo. 

“He’s fine, Rhodey. He’s fine.” Tony rolled his shoulder, and Rhodey took the note, removing his hand gently. “He’s Peter, of course he’s fine. I don’t-” Tony scoffed, a look of frustration across his face. “I don’t know why you guys would be stupid enough to say otherwise.” 

“Tones-” 

“No, no. I don’t think you’re listening Rhodey. He was  _ just here.  _ He left like an hour and a half ago, and he was going to pick up May and he’ll-he’ll be right back. You guys aren’t listening to me. Look just…” Tony looked around frantically, trying to find his phone. He was just going to call him. He would call Peter, and tell him to call Happy immediately because the man was desperately confused about what was going on. “Where’s-where’s my phone, dammit. Give me - give me your phone.” Tony held out his hand, and Rhodes could see in his face that he was being serious, so he handed his device over. 

“Tony, slow down, okay? Let’s just get in the car.” 

But Tony was already dialing Peter’s number, listening to the phone ring. His foot tapped the floor three times between each ring. Peter would answer, confused as to why Tony was calling him on Rhodey’s phone, but Tony would explain and that night they would all just be able to talk about how the confusion all started. 

“Hey, this is Peter… Parker. I’ll call back soon.” Tony felt his throat tighten. Peter didn’t miss calls. He answered on the first ring. 

“Tony, please.” Rhodey tried to speak but Tony just turned his head to look at the kid’s desk. He couldn’t accept that Peter was gone. Accepting meant that Peter would never sit at that desk again. He would never throw pieces of paper at Tony when he got hungry, and he would never hold his child in his arms. They would never go for another ride to lunch and Tony would never see the kid smile again. He would never get another Christmas at the lakehouse, he would never get to sit through the footage Karen kept of all of Peter’s Spider-Man shenanigans. He would never hear Peter’s voice, or see his walk again. He would never get another call when it was late at night and the kid had woken up from a nightmare and just needed someone to talk to. Someone that understood what the nightmares were like. 

Tony didn’t know he was falling until he hit the floor, his back pressed firmly against the wall as Rhodey knelt in front of him, but all his eyes could focus on was the photograph in front of him.   
Peter Parker. Past tense. Smiling in a way Tony would never see. 

  
  



	2. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The undeniable rage
> 
> It is felt only at raging injustices. 
> 
> An abandoned pet, waiting for its family to come home
> 
> An elderly man, sitting beside his wife’s grave
> 
> A father, lowering his son into the ground.
> 
> It burns and burns
> 
> Sucking the oxygen from lungs
> 
> Burning all the way down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 :) I promise it gets... worse but kinda better at the end? Thanks for all the reviews. This work is more of a way for me to deep dive into the mind of someone who is grieving and try and write those emotions out. It feels lot more like a character study than anything else, but I think you guys are enjoying it :)

_ The undeniable rage _

_ It is felt only at raging injustices.  _

_ An abandoned pet, waiting for its family to come home _

_ An elderly man, sitting beside his wife’s grave _

_ A father, lowering his son into the ground. _

_ It burns and burns _

_ Sucking the oxygen from lungs _

_ Burning all the way down _

* * *

Tony stares at the casket. 

The viewing ended hours ago. May and Michelle made it back to their apartment, the two women staying together. Pepper knew that Tony needed time alone. Time to process. 

Tony hated that word. His therapist called him, told him to take time to process. 

Process what? Process the fact that Peter was dead? Process that Spider-Man had been killed because some worthless drunk got behind the wheel of his moving truck and ran a red-light, flying at speeds that seemed unimaginable. Process the fact that they couldn’t have an open casket. Process that he would never see Peter Parker again? 

How was he meant to process that? 

So instead, he sat on one of those god-awful chairs. The white, folding ones that squeak every time you breath, and always leave your legs just a little numb. He sits on the chair and stares at the deep mahogany of the casket. Everyone kept telling him how beautiful it was. 

Beautiful? How could anything that holds the body of someone he loves so dearly be beautiful? It was suffocating, and heavy, and impossible to move. And yes, Tony always considered himself an unstoppable force, but this casket was the immovable object, and he felt the anger boiling through him like the explosion waiting to happen. The explosin that would level the world. And he couldn’t have cared less about that. He would be fine if the world was levelled, because without Peter, he couldn’t really give a damn. 

Tony tried to take a breath, but the explosion was lodged right in his throat and in a fit of rage, he erupted. Tony stood and grabbed the chair he was sitting on, slamming it into the wall before knocking a vase of flowers over and crying out in a wail of frustration. 

Boiling tears raced down his face as he stood next to the casket. 

“How dare you leave us?” Tony whispered, every word a testament to his anger. Every syllable lit with a fire that could fuel the world. “How dare you leave me? You were supposed to be here forever, Peter. You were supposed to be in the lab tomorrow, and we were supposed to look at your new project.” He felt like he was dying, his chest being stabbed with an icepick. Tony’s eyes turned up to the ceiling, and he set his jaw. 

He’d never been one to believe in a God; for many reasons. Yet, the words began to tumble out of his mouth in a rush of fury. “How dare  _ you _ ? You aren’t allowed to do that. You aren’t allowed to make someone so perfect and rip them away from us! Not like that! Not like that!” Tony wept aloud as he found himself sinking to his knees, his hands still latched onto the casket. “Bring him back! Bring him back to me… please-” His voice broke as his forehead tilted forward, resting on the cool wood. “Just bring him back to me, please.” 

Tony doesn’t know how long he sat there. His mind was running free, playing back all of his favorite memories with Peter. They were good ones. 

Memories like the time they met. Sure, the circumstances had been off, but Tony would never forget meeting Peter for the first time. The kid was a nervous chatter-box. He remembers being in awe of Peter’s obvious genius. 

Memories like the Staten Island Ferry. Tony would never forgive himself for yelling at Peter. He’d never wanted to have kids because of that exact reason. Howard had been nothing short of a shit father, and Tony’s greatest fear was that he might reproduce that in himself. That he might become angry and distant and yell and make anyone that looked up to him feel like anything less than they were. And, he cared about Peter. He was still trying to figure it out, but he knew he cared about the kdi, and seeing him come so close to getting injured had scared the hsit out of Tony. 

He remembers getting Peter back. He remembers holding the kid tightly, telling him that it was all going to be okay. He remembers helping the kdi get back to May and Michelle and Ned amidt the chaos of the world at the time. 

He remembers the protectiveness he’d felt when Fury and Beck had tried to take advantage over the kid’s innate goodness in Europe. 

He remembers Peter proposing, and of course, freaking out about how he was supposed to be a good husband. He’d shown up on Tony’s doorstep at one in the morning the night he’d proposed, tears filling his eyes. 

“Mr. Stark I just…” The kid’s voice had broken, and Tony had just led him down to the lab. They’d worked for hours, talking about life. Peter would ask Tony a question, and the man would admit that he knew what should be done, but wasn’t always the best at doing it. 

“Here’s the thing, Pete… I’ll let you in on a little secret. It isn’t about being the perfect husband - that’s impossible. It’s about communicating. You’ll fail, she’ll fail, but if you guys have an open line of communication, I promise things will work out. You love each other, that will be enough.” 

Tony remembers their wedding. Seeing Peter so happy that the kid looked about two seconds from falling over with pure joy. 

Tony keeps getting flashes of the little things. 

Peter grabbing a gallon of apple juice instead of a cup. 

Peter telling Tony he had a project he “just had to do” on a Saturday because it was the anniversary of Tony’s parent’s death, and Peter knew that Tony just had to do something that day. 

Peter getting Dum-ee a hat for christmas. 

Peter always wearing the watch Tony got for him. 

Peter calling Tony in a panic when they found out that he and Michelle were expecting. 

Peter telling Tony he’d be back that night to help finish up a project they’d been working on together. 

The memories stopped. 

He kept replaying them over and over, and like a VCR with a scratch on the tape, it got stuck at the same part every time. Peter walking out of the lab, care keys in hand. Tony not even looking up from his desk to say bye. 

Tony never felt guilt like he felt about the fact that he hadn’t said bye. That he hadn’t looked up. He hadn’t even bothered to take the last glance at Peter Parker that he would ever be given. 

So maybe he wasn’t angry at Peter and maybe he wasn’t angry at God… maybe he was just enraged at himself. Angry that he would never make another memory with the kid. Angry that the memories had to stop there. 

This was the type of anger that counting down from ten could never fix. 

In fact, Tony was thoroughly certain that nothing would ever fix this. No one but Peter Parker could mend the hole that resided in his chest, and he would just have to learn to live with that. 

  
  



	3. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She always tried to bargain with him. Life would get on her knees
> 
> Beg and plead that Death would listen
> 
> She’d cling to his cloak and ask for a few more days. 
> 
> Tears streaming down her face as she looked at her once lover
> 
> He would tilt his head and give her a sad grimace
> 
> He’d always say the same thing
> 
> “A few more days does nothing good for the soul
> 
> When it is time, it is time. 
> 
> More days only increases the grief felt. 
> 
> It is a mercy, for me to take them now”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 3 my friends! I hope you all enjoy :) It felt rough to get out, but Im glad it's done. I think bargaining is the hardest one for me to write because when I've grieved bargaining wasn't a big stage for me. Thanks for joining me on this ride.

_ She always tried to bargain with him. Life would get on her knees _

_ Beg and plead that Death would listen _

_ She’d cling to his cloak and ask for a few more days.  _

_ Tears streaming down her face as she looked at her once lover _

_ He would tilt his head and give her a sad grimace _

_ He’d always say the same thing _

_ “A few more days does nothing good for the soul _

_ When it is time, it is time.  _

_ More days only increases the grief felt.  _

_ It is a mercy, for me to take them now” _

Tony was no stranger to bargaining. He’d been bargaining his entire life. A circle of pleading and begging, doing everything in his ability to bring about a new outcome. His whole life revolved around changing things, ensuring the people he loved were safe. 

Tony stood on the porch of the lakehouse, a cup of coffee abandoned on the rail. Pepper had taken Morgan into town for the day. It wasn’t good for her to see him like this. Three months since Peter’s funeral and the only thing that ever crossed his mind was what he could have done to change the outcome of that night. He could have driven the car. He could have told Peter he would send someone else to pick up May and Happy. He could have done anything other than what he did. 

Tony had spent too long thinking about the first time he brought Peter back from the dead. Could he do it again? Would it be possible to bring the kid back? To ensure that May had her nephew, Michelle had her husband, Peter’s child had his father… Tony had his kid. 

He’d thought about it, and always - every damn time - he’d come to the same conclusion. 

Just because he’d played with time-travel once didn’t mean that he could do it again. The consequences had been minimal, but he knew that wouldn’t happen again. 

So he’d been sitting. For months, thinking about how he could possibly justify the risks this would take. 

But everytime he let himself get a little too far, he thought about what Peter would say. 

The kid had been explosive when he’d figured out why Tony created tiem travel in the first place. He’d always been strong-willed - Tony had known that since he’d been yalled at by the kid after the ferry incident - but he’d never seen Peter go as insance as he did after hearing that Tony had risked the world for him. 

Tony had ensured Peter that everything had turned out okay, but the kid had walked out - speechless. Apparently, knowing that someone loved you enough to - quite literally - risk the existing population’s wellbeing on you didn’t always sit well with superhero teens. 

And Tony knew, everytime he let himself go a little too far down the rabbit trail, the kid’s face pulled him swiftly back to reality. 

“Stark.” A voice pulled him from his thoughts, and Tony turned to see a very pregnant Michelle Jones standing in front of him. She had a cardigan wrapped tightly around her, and her face was sad but strong. 

“Michelle, how are you?” He asked it out of politeness, but they both knew that no answer other than “absolutely terrible” would be honest. 

“Um, there are bad days and worse days. Today was a worse day…” she shrugged her shoulders and sniffled, looking out over the pond. “I had to get out of the house, so I drove here. I didn’t even mean to, it just kind of happened.” 

Tony nodded a little, and patted at the chair beside him. The two took a seat, looking out at the nature before them.

“Do you need a blanket? Some coffee?” Tony offered, but Michelle just shook her head. 

“No, thank you.”

“I keep thinking that I should have gone with him.” Tony started, placing his hands on his knees. “Bargaining - my therapist says. I keep thinking the whole “five stages” is just bullshit, but I guess they’re right. But all I can do is think about what I could have done to change the outcome of that night.” 

“Yeah, me too. You know, I was going to pick them up.” Michelle’s voice was dry and gruff. Tony got angry when he was sad, Michelle pushed her emotions down so far that she sounded numb, but Tony knew what it was. Knew that she was feeling grief unparalleled to even him. “I was supposed to get them from the airport and meet you guys for dinner, but I got sick.” She looked down at her stomach. “I got sick and I keep thinking, that if I weren’t such a whimp, if I’d pushed through and gotten May and Happy -” the girl’s voice broke as let out a gutteral sob. “If I’d picked up May and Happy then my child would still have his father, and I’d still have a husband.” Michelle’s hands covered her face as she began to weep. 

Tony looked at her with his heart hammering. “Its-its a boy?” he whispered, barely able to think about anything other than the fact that it was a little boy. 

“Yeah.” Michelle smiled at him. “I keep thinking that Peter would be so excited. I miss him, Tony.” Michelle looked at him, her eyes red as she waited to see what he would say. Waited for encouragement or magical words that would get her through it all.

“I wish he could be here.” And that would have to be enough. Because there was nothing to make it better. No one could truly bargain with death. They would wish he was there, and they would hold one another up, and they would miss Peter Parker every single day, and they would just have to go on with life. 

“If you need anything, ever -” Tony made a point to look intensely at Michelle, “I am here. I can’t ever do anything to make this better, but I will do anything you need.” 

Michelle furrowed her brows. “Tony, you have done more than enough for me. Peter - he loved you more than anything. You were something that Peter desperately needed. He always told me that he never expected another father-figure to come into his life - that he was certain after losing Ben he’d never have another chance to have someone take that role. Thank you, for loving him so wonderfully. You made him into a better person. We can’t… we can’t let the impact he had on us deteriorate. Peter made us better people, and we have to carry that with us. We can’t let his impact placate.” 

Tony nodded. “I was thinking… the world deserves to know who Spider-Man was. They deserve to celebrate him. They’re wondering where he is, and I… it infuriates me to think that they are claiming he’s abandoned them.” 

Michelle nodded. “They deserve to know… Peter deserves to be celebrated.” 

“I’ll get it taken care of.” Michelle clasped onto Tony’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Thank you.” 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Come scream at me on Tumblr :) @itsreallylaterightnow


End file.
